I’m on a vision quest these days. In between potty seats and the 3am feedings. In between the markets and the playdates and the emails about Italian preschools and the need to get dinner on the table and the need to pour a glass of wine after the kids finally go to bed. In between failed 5am attempts to exercise and failed 10pm attempts at Italian lessons. In between giving in to chocolate-for-breakfast requests and saying no to watching TV. In between telling my husband to get out of my shower and wanting to do nothing more badly than run away together for 24 hours. In between trying and failing and sometimes succeeding at being a good mother, a good wife, a good friend, a good person, I wonder why fate dealt me this weird, wonderful life of ours and what I’m exactly supposed to be doing with the gift.
How very millennial of me it must seem to assume a higher calling beyond motherhood, housekeeping and helping to pay the bills. But I live in a country where I am surrounded by women raising children, keeping house and making money with far, far fewer resources and far, far greater hardships than I have ever born. If they can do it all so capably with so much less, surely I should be making use of my privilege to do so much more.
A thousand times since the day he asked me to marry him, Chris has asked me whether I ever regret my decision. I tell him and myself that I don’t.
I chose love and adventure over everything I had thought I wanted up until the point right before Chris asked me to marry him. Two roads diverged and all of that.
And someday it will all make sense. I don’t think it will be photography or cooking and maybe not even writing that will fill my days with purpose and clarity the way motherhood and moving preparations fill my days now. But as we count our days left here in India and look forward to a new adventure and new possibilities in Italy, I find myself impatient once again to know for what purpose could all of these wonderful adventures be for.